It's hard for me to believe that I am actually pregnant. It feels surreal in so many ways. It has definitely been a longer path that we would have ever expected, but now in retrospect, we're able to see how much we've learned during that season (and yet are also realizing day to day how much more we have to learn). I actually had a miscarriage in April, and then after what seemed like an eternity, we were able to get pregnant again.
This pregnancy has definitely been different...I've had a much greater appreciation of what a blessing it is to be pregnant. During the long season of waiting, I feel like I was able to see that there are so many girls that struggle to get pregnant, and some that may never get pregnant. In some ways I feel guilty, knowing in a small way the doubt, the questions, the disappointment and pain you experience while waiting, not knowing what the future holds. I definitely don't want to take this pregnancy, this baby for granted.
I am 15 weeks and 4 days (not that I'm counting or anything), and I still experience days of such debilitating fear and anxiety, wondering if this pregnancy will end like my last. It is such a continual battle in my mind...knowing God is in control, but still fearing the unknown. I realized when I went in for my 10 week ultrasound, that while everything looked good at that time, you never reach a point in your pregnancy where you are guaranteed a healthy baby. Yes, your risk may go down the farther along you are, but there is still no "safe zone."
So my prayer for today is that I would enjoy each and every day of this pregnancy that God gives me. That my life (heart and mind) would not be governed by fear of something that is totally out of my control.
So I guess it's started...the ramblings of a crazy pregnant girl! :)